i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
