forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
