Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
