Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
