We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
50% drunk capacity currently
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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