I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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