Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
