Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
4 words: hood of his car
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
