Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
