Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
