are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
