I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
