Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
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