If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
