I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
