I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
