I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I feel like abortions should bother me more
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
