i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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