I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
