So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
