Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
