i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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