Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
