I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
