So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
