I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
