Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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