In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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