There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
