I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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