Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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