drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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