I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
