atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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