you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He did a backflip because drugs
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
