Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
