I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I did not marry a roomba.
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