Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
even my farts smell like vagina
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
