I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
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