You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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