hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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