Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
