Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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