Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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