i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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