I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
