I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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