You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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