I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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