Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
