I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
